


Rolling Boy

by bonsaiScribbler



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, minor mental breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-20
Updated: 2012-01-20
Packaged: 2017-10-29 20:20:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/323801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bonsaiScribbler/pseuds/bonsaiScribbler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat's empathic powers become too much for him to deal with, and it's up to John to help his fellow friend leader.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rolling Boy

**Author's Note:**

> Kink meme prompt can be found here: http://homesmut.livejournal.com/14212.html?thread=25999492#t25999492
> 
> Based on Hatsune Miku's Rolling Girl.
> 
>  
> 
> Warning: This fiction is incredibly cheesy.

And here they go again. Anger, happiness, joy, rejection, love, pity, all mixed together. Voices overlapping, feelings a jumbled heap inside your head. It hurts. You can barely tell which feelings are yours and which not. At least with the voices you can tell, but the feelings are the worst. And they never stop. Not even when the others dream. Even in your sleep there is this tingling sensation, this nagging in the back of your mind.

 

You can handle this, you tell yourself. You have done so more often than not. Unlike the others' your abilities are not meant for battle, much to your disappointment. They have their positive aspects too, you suppose. It's much easier to handle the others now, easier to calm them down, easier to take control. You just need to project calmness and everyone else will feel better. It makes living here considerably easier.

 

Not for you though.

 

There is no on/off switch for your abilities. The voices and feelings are always there, never letting you rest. You can barely remember what it was like before, before you discovered your abilities, before your constantly teetering on the edge of blowing up in someone's face. You were never a calm or friendly person, always angry, always taking command, always fighting for your life. But since your empathy awakened, it's gotten worse.

 

You understand why Sollux had these annoying mood swings. Why he sometimes acted like an utter psychopath. You are this close to snapping yourself. Everything is so messed up. Your friends dying left and right, then being revived, being almost killed by Jack again, being helped out by the humans, meeting the humans, the humans staying with you, everything. You keep making mistakes, and have to start at the beginning again. Over and over again.

 

Your head hurts badly now. You wish you could blend everything out.

  
You have been trying to be a good leader all this time, but sometimes it's difficult. But you are set on “keep going, no failures allowed” and you will. You will get up, no matter how often you are kicked down. You have been doing it for all your life.

 

Something must have shown on your face, because suddenly the jumbled feelings turn into curiosity. Not all of them, but most of them. Which would have made it easier to live with the feelings, had the curiosity not been focused on you. Then you feel the pang of worry coming from your moirail, and you want to tell him that everything is okay. But that would be a blatant lie. He knows you well, better than you know yourself, and sometimes you want to give in and just let him cuddle you. But you are worried what will happen if you do. You're scared that everything is going to fall apart again, and you will have to start over. It's unreasonable, you know that much. Gamzee would never leave you.

 

He accepted your new abilities without complaint, even going so far as to label them impressive. You don't know what's so impressive about feeling other people's feelings and hearing their thoughts, but your moirail has always been an oddball.

 

You don't say anything, just get up and leave. The feelings follow you, but the voices are growing weaker. The humans always respect your privacy, which is kind of surprising, since John is set on becoming best friend leaders or something. The other trolls not so much. Terezi will sometimes follow you and nag you, showing in her quirky own way that she cares. Kanaya will try to take care of you, but Gamzee always intervenes, claiming that it is his duty to take care of his moirail and no one else's. Generally the others accept his explanation.

 

The truth is that he knows when you want to be left alone or want to be with him. Feeling jams are nice, but sometimes you don't even know which feelings are yours anymore. You tried explaining that to Gamzee, and surprisingly, he understood.

 

So when you get up and leave, he catches your eye, silently asking whether or not you need him.

You pity your moirail so much that it almost hurts sometimes. But right now you can't stand to be near him. He will always be your anchor, but at the moment he is worried about you, and you don't want to feel his worry, his fear, his pity for you. You want to feel your own feelings again, even if only for a minute or two.

 

And he understands. Just nods slightly and turns back to his hornpile, where Tavros is resting and looking at you with curiosity rolling off of him in waves. You don't think you can handle any more feelings right now, so you abscond.

 

You make you way outside, where it's almost quiet now. The feelings are starting to ebb away, becoming a tingling on the edge of your consciousness, the voices are finally growing quiet, not completely shutting up, but becoming soft whispers.

 

You can live with that. It's like you are your own person again, not influenced by the others' feelings, just yourself. It's nice and you relish in your own feelings, finally able to try and figure out what has been going on with you since the humans arrived. When they came to live with you, everyone's feelings exploded. There's romance, jealousy, lust and rejection going on all around you since then. Normally you would have appreciated that the others tried to fill their quadrants, but feeling their feelings started to make you sick.

 

Lust and rejection are quickly becoming the feelings you hate the most. Lust, because surprisingly often you found yourself the subject of someone's daydreams, and because feeling about others in certain ways, that you never considered them in before, makes you act weird around them. Rejection is a feeling you grew up with, constantly fearing to be found and culled, rejected by society and nature. You thought you had left the feeling behind when everyone discovered your candy red blood, and reluctantly accepted you. But there's still rejection in the air, reminding you of your past. You always try to brush it off and go back to work again, until the next rejection hits you.

 

It has been getting more and more difficult for you to blend everyone out, even if you put distance between you. Gamzee suggested that your abilities might be growing stronger, and you abhor the thought. It is bad enough as it is, you don't want it to get worse.

 

Suddenly there's a cacophony inside your head, shattering the silence. You can tell that a fight has broken out between Gamzee and Dave yet again. Well, not so much of a fight, as Gamzee getting angry with Dave for another ironic thing the other said. You mentally reach out and soothe Gamzee, projecting calmness and safety. It works for a while and you relish the silence.

 

But before you can grow used to it, a chaos of voices and feelings start up inside your head, growing louder and louder. You don't want to bother with whatever is going on. There are so many feelings that you find it hard to breath. Voices are yelling inside your head, and your vision starts to turn black.

 

You sit down and draw your knees up to your chest, resting your forehead on your knees. It's useless, but you still cover your ears in an attempt to block everyone out. It doesn't work that way, and you know it. You want to scream at them to shut the fuck up, just be quiet for a second. But that's not how it works, so you sit there with your ears covered and wait for the storm to pass.

 

But it doesn't. They get louder and louder and you are starting to think that they will never stop. They are so loud that you can't hear your own thoughts, and they keep yelling. Feelings threaten to choke you, and you feel yourself losing control. GIt gets worse and worse.

 

A screech escapes you and you violently tear at your hear. You wish you could use your claws just to scratch the voices out of your head. You get madder and madder, claws scratching your head, pulling on your hair. It's not helping, and you know that much. When this is over you will get back up again and move on.

 

You feel like an idiot for doing that, but you can't stop. It's not relief, but you are feeling something of your own. You keep tearing into your skin, trying to get to the voices, even though part of you knows that this won't help.

 

Out of nowhere two arms wrap around you and pull you close. It's John. You don't know how he approached you without noticing. He holds you to his chest, holding on so tight that you can feel him shaking. He must be worried. You want to give him some peace and quiet, and try to project calm. But you notice that there is nothing left. You are too worn out to project anything.

 

He pets your hair and tells you to look at him. So you do.

 

And then there is just love and pity. All else is blown away with the wind. It feels so good. John whispers comforting nothings in your ear, and holds you close. For the first time since you started you give in. Tears are shamelessly running down your face, and you're shaking so hard, that you can barely hold onto John.

 

He keeps you close until you have calmed down. Your heart pounds in your ears, and you're ashamed of your actions. You're the leader and you have to be strong.

 

But so is John. Maybe it will be alright.

 

And so you get back up again and start anew. But this time John will be by your side.


End file.
